I listened to every Eurovision 2017 track, so you don't have to
Here we are again. First impressions of every track, in the order they'll appear, in less than 120 characters each.
It’s become a little tradition of mine to give first impressions of the year’s Eurovision entries on the day the official album gets released.
This year, as last, I’m doing it in strict 120 character form: tweet sized commentary on every track.
I’ve listened to them all in the order they will be performed, rather than the order they appear on the album; for no other reason than because I can.
Sweden - I Can’t Go On - Robin Bengtsson
I love Swedish pop music and I love this track. If it survives this graveyard slot, I’d guess it’s a potential winner.
Georgia - Keep The Faith - Tamara Gachechhiladze
Even with a decent vocal and key change, nothing can save this uninspiring and incoherent ballad.
Australia - Don’t Come Easy - Isaiah
This is as slick as usual from Australia, but it lacks the funk of 2015 and the sparkle of 2016. It’s good, but not amazing.
Albania - World - Lindita
Despite a fairly interesting middle eight, this song is fairly drab. I don’t like it. If I had to guess, you won’t either.
Belgium - City Lights - Blanche
This instrumentation is like a 9 year old that’s had too much sugar. Aside from some falsetto, its a bit anti-climactic.
Montenegro - Space - Slavko Kalezić
This guy is literally singing about having wet dreams in disco space. I don’t know where to start with that.
Finland - Blackbird - Norma John
Look, Finland: I don’t mind if you want a ballad as your entry, I just want a good one, not a snooze fest.
Azerbaijan - Skeletons - Dihaj
This track sounds like I imagine a UFO’s engine sounds. It’s fun. It’s spacey-wacey. I like it, but don’t love it.
Portugal - Amar Pelos Dois - Salvador Sobral
Portugal are back! Unfortunately.
The only thing that song would good for is to help insomniacs finally get some shuteye.
Greece - This is Love - Demy
Love, this is not, for this pop ballad cum Swedish House anthem. It fails to excite for more than a fleeting moment.
Poland - Flashlight - Kasia Maos
This is crap. But it doesn’t matter: the diaspora will ensure scores well regardless, as is the way of things.
Moldova - Hey Momma - Sunstroke Project
*Hello Momma!** This is a fun, frenetic, funk-fest. Fun but not phenomenal. It’ll be good for a dance though.
Iceland - Paper - Svala
These lyrics are unintelligible. I love a good broken metaphor, but these are more broken than crumbling papier mache.
Czech Republic - My Turn - Martina Bárta
This low-budget, Michelle McManus, Pop Idol vibe is doing nothing for me. The final crescendo is totally squandered too.
Cyprus - Gravity - Hovig
Normally I’ve no time for the dross Cyprus enters. But this? This is almost like Cyprus have put some effort in! Bravo.
Armenia - Fly With Me - Artsvik
Whilst the instrumentation is trippy, there’s less vocal punch in this track than on an overbooked United flight. Dull.
Slovenia - On My Way - Omar Naber
This is definitely a lost track from a Disney movie that never got finished because someone realised it was rubbish.
Latvia - Line - Triana Park
This high-energy track would be at home in European gay clubs, but with such over-processed vocals, it’s underwhelming.
Serbia - In Too Deep - Tijana Bogicevic
This is unexpectedly strong from Serbia. It’s not my favourite club-style anthem this year, but it’s a solid crack.
Austria - Running On Air - Nathan Trent
I only have one question about this song: Is this an advert for Nike?
This is fun, likeable song, but it’s no showstopper.
Russia - Flame Is Burning - Julia Samoylova
Russia have pulled out because politics. Having heard this track, I’m OK with: it’s one of their weakest entries in years.
F.Y.R. Macedonia - Dance Alone - Jana Burčheska
Oi Macedonia! Icona Pop called: they want their song back!
This is a floor-filler: it’s 80s synth meets 2017 club anthem.
Malta - Breathlessly - Claudia Faniello
With this track, you never stop hoping that vocalist Claudia might really run out of air, just so the song ends sooner.
Romania - Yodel It! (feat. Alex Florea) - Iliaca
So this song has yodelling.
It’s novel! It’s impressive! It takes about 30 seconds before it starts to piss you off!
The Netherlands - Lights and Shadows - OG3NE
Some beautiful multi-part harmonies, a brilliant middle eight crescendo, and (possibly false) key change. Great!
Hungary - Origi - Joci Papai
This is a completely incoherent mess of a track. Partly as I can’t speak Hungarian; mostly in the sense that it’s shit.
Denmark - Where I Am - Anja Nissen
I freaking love this. Tub-thumping track, authoritative vocals and a bassline that gets you in the gut.
Ireland - Dying to Try - Brendan Murray
This takes way, way too long to get going, and by the time it does, it’s too late to bring it back. Just a bit boring.
San Marino - Spirit of the Night - Valentina Monetta & Jimmie Wilson
This song proves yet again that life’s too short to listen to San Marino’s Eurovision tracks. presses skip track button
Croatia - My Friend - Jacques Houdek
Imagine Alan Menken had a gay-by with Pavarotti. Now imagine that whilst on a bad acid trip. That’s what this is like.
Norway - Grab the Moment - Jowst
Aside from the graphic lyrical imagery, this is yet another Bieber-style affair that doesn’t stand out from the pack.
Switzerland - Apollo - Timebelle
There is more precision in the execution of this powerful, beautiful song than a well made Swiss watch. Just excellent.
Belarus - Story of My Life - NAVIBAND
What is this?! Terribly executed, folk-rock.
If I had a life as bad as this “story” sounds, I’d be asking for a do-over.
Bulgaria - Beautiful Mess - Kristian Kostov
It doesn’t matter how much of a beautiful mess this is, it’ll never be better than Poli Genova from 2016. Never.
Lithuania - Rain of Revolution - Fusedmarc
Remember the super annoying French horn from Theme Hospital’s sound track? That’s here in this really terrible track.
Estonia - Verona - Koit Toome and Laura
Estonia going choosing a Shakespearean tragedy as the theme of their song is a bold and a self-referential choice. Poor
Israel - I Feel Alive - Imri
This starts with purpose, builds well, and adds enough twists to keep things interesting throughout. A crowd pleaser.
Germany - Perfect Life - Levina
This appears to have sampled Journey; which is fine. I’m not falling asleep to it. I’m also don’t have the feels.
Spain - Do It For Your Lover - Manuel Navarro
Just bring back Ruth Lorenzo?
France - Requiem - Alma
I was thinking ‘how typically dark, moody and French’. Then WHAM, you get drama and sparkle. Pleasantly surprised.
United Kingdom - Never Give Up On You - Lucie Jones
They’ve done a number on this compared to how dull it sounded during our national selection, but that won’t save it.
Italy - Occidentali’s Karma - Francesco Gabbani
Apparently this song has something to do with a gorilla? Yeah, me neither. Basically a crappy Coldplay rip-off.
Ukraine - Time - O.Torvald
Ah, so Ukraine realised they can’t afford to host again next year then. It’s different: but that’s not a good thing.